My girls usually go to bed between 10 and 11 pm but last night, a big drama happened. It was already their bedtime so I, as usual, sleep with the elder one in the room but she kept dawdling it. She insisted on colouring while allowing me to sleep first (which is quite a relief to be perfectly honest because otherwise she’d want me to accompany with her).
I did my current reading, The Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank, and fell asleep not long after that. Frankly guys, I’m not a heavy reader because my attention span is as short as 10 minutes per reading session then I’d either feel sleepy or start to daydream. Anyway, I dozed off in no time with the lights still on and my girl was not just colouring but beginning to make mess without any sign of sleep.
You know when you begin to go into deep sleep but suddenly you’re disturbed, that just feels terrible because your body is suddenly so heavy and you start to feel irritated by the one who woke you up? That happened to me last night at 11.30 pm to be exact when my girl kept crossing my body while clutching some junks that she picked up in the drawers.
I understand that playing is one of the best ways to develop you children’s cognitive and motor skills. In other words, their brain cells are connecting. But when it’s already half to 12 am, midnight, and tomorrow is a work day, my brain cells began to disconnect. Who can still function at this time of the night especially when one has said countless times to her girl to sleep because tomorrow she has to go to school?
I rose to the occasion and yelled my ugliest voice to her.
“Go to sleeppp!!”
“I’m tired you know? T.I.R.E.D! Extremely TIRED!”
Poor baby. She cleaned her mess while dropping a few tears. She whispered “Okay ibu” and collected every pieces of the odds and ends that I too wondered where on earth did they come from. -_-“
Of course guilt raced through my mind right after that, like most moms do and what’s worse is that the cycle repeats itself day after day. When will I be able to totally put a stop to all this? I know it’s unhealthy, I know yelling is going to give effects to our relationship in the long run, I know she’ll keep her distance with me sooner or later, but it just seems impossible to put away with my anger.
Scold-guilty-say I love you.
Scold-guilty-say I’m sorry.
I’ve tried so many times to stay put, I’ve attempted so much effort over last few years to remain calm with my kids and I don’t even see the finish line. Each day is my another attempt to be composed despite the quarrels and screams. And I feel like giving up on myself because I thought they deserve a better mother.
Until when I stumbled upon this, this morning [PARENTING AND BEDTIME DAWDLING] that I believed God wanted me to look back at what I wrote over a year ago. I take this as a reminder to myself to fight against my negative thoughts and focus on living a brand new day instead. I wrote about trying again and again and again to be a better me. I mentioned about withstanding the bedtime dawdling that will last only for the next few years.
I talked about giving myself another chance to cherish the present moments, no matter how awful my day was because my kids will leave the house soon and I’m going to be all alone with my husband. I’m going to miss the chaotic sleep regime of brushing teeth and putting them to sleep.
It’s now time to walk my talk and along that, I’d love to lend my hands to all mothers whose kids always dawdle their bedtime to look for some fresh hopes again to last you for the night. I know you’ve been missing your true self because you seem to be living for others, for your kids, ha?
So here I am, sharing a piece of what I picked up (again) along my little journey in motherhood. I ain’t perfect and I’m going to say this one more time that I pen my motherhood musings to remind myself before others. I give a piece of my motherhood tale so you could learn from my mistakes and together we embrace motherhood under what I coin “virtual motherhood community”
If you find this article helpful, or it makes you feel normal because you did the exact same thing last night, then share this with your friends. Who knows you might touch a heart or two? And I also welcome your thoughts too. Share them in the comment section below because hey, we all need some boosts and I’m inclusive!