|2011 Road trip to Queenstown, NZ
When life was a little too simple
I went to my third appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday and husband came along this time around. I’m so blessed to be having a wonderful, caring husband who agrees to find the cure together. He’s my rock.
So yesterday’s session was AMAZING. Plain AWESOME Alhamdulillah. I applaud my Doctor for her empathy and professionalism in responding to my case. She’s been in this field since 1994 so that explains everything.
Doctor helped my husband to understand better about my condition, the over-20-years of my life experience that results in my suppressed anxiety and stress. Things were seen normal before I gave birth to my girls because I was able to hide my negative thoughts and feelings and live a normal life. In fact, I hid everything behind my face, that I only showed the happy, ambitious, outgoing and determined me through my leadership traits. That being said, some of my friends did notice that I’m easily stressed up (the stress in me) and panic (the anxiety in me) but I was able to subdue that because those circumstances that triggered my feelings were all temporary commitments.
Unlike motherhood, it’s a lifelong commitment and the thought of it is already overwhelming. This is when people don’t usually get me. Yes my girls won’t be kids forever, I won’t be having to change their diapers forever. Soon, they’ll leave the house and I’m going to feel lonely pulak. But I can’t fathom that because for me, I am disturbed by the fact that THERE IS NO WAY OUT OF MOTHERHOOD.
Then people don’t get me again. “Why would you want to get out of motherhood when other people have been waiting for years to be part of the motherhood community. They waited for years to bear a child You should be grateful!”
I seriously don’t know how to respond to that. period.
Doctor also explained to us that it’s good that I came to her now, because the neurons in my brain are only partially affected, not the whole brain. This simply means that I can be cured because I am not at (or maybe haven’t reach?) the final stage of mental illness i.e suicide, extremely severe depression, total withdrawals from the society and the like. Itu pun on my first appointment with her back then she asked me, “It’s been 3-4 years that your emotions are intensified. What took you so long to come and see me?”
Anyway, she did advise me on how to control my emotions and thoughts.
1. Spend at least 15-30 minutes daily with my kids. The quality time that is solely and exclusively theirs. Colouring, smudging the wall with crayons and my marker pens (that Nusaybah took from my pencil case and those are for my teaching in class for God’s sake!). With the time and attention spent, my kids would be conditioned that their Ibu loves them so much and they mean the whole world to her. So at times when Ibu get angry or yell at them they know that that is just temporary, because they already know that Ibu actually loves them.
2. Spend some time alone to myself. No gadgets. Nothing. Just a time to reflect on myself probably for the day. By doing this, I allow myself to look into my weaknesses and try to correct them.
3. Don’t feel too burdened or wanting to quickly get all this over with. It’s been with me for 26 years so it surely takes A LOT of time and effort to re-condition my brain. (May Allah grant the highest patience to my husband.Amen.)
It’s a journey that we go through together as a husband and wife. The journey that doesn’t only affect us, but our relationship with our kids, relatives, friends, and the community.
The thing is, I too, didn’t know that I have such serious issues. I didn’t think much about my life experience and how it affects my personality although I admit that I have noticed something is not right with me but I took it for granted. Consequently, the stress and anxiety accumulated so when my girls got into the picture….BAM!!!