Being under medication for psychological instability, it does reflect in my behaviour, attitude, and the way I view life. I admit that I’m still trying hard to accept motherhood and at times, I don’t see the worth of living anymore. I usually keep this to myself, I hide it behind my smile, laughter, and charm haha, mainly because I’ve had enough of replies from people.
And knowing that I have kids to look after, I’d suppress my negative thoughts and feelings and try to occupy myself with the chores and other normal things moms do. Change diaper, wash butt, feed, cradle and brush their teeth. But most of the time, it shows in my face especially at home. Poor Papa for having to deal with that. My apologies Papa.
Having living life this way for 3 years, I have forgotten about the purpose of this marriage and my dreams for my kids. I have been off track from achieving my target. I forgot about Maratib Amal that I have learned through usrah for years. The Maratib Amal looks like this,
It starts from you being the Individu Muslim. You correct yourself first, be the BEST of a Muslim you can.
Then if there’s rezeqi and jodoh, you enter marriage and build a Baitul Muslim (Muslim Family) that practices the teachings of Islam as a whole. You and your spouse work hand in hand.
And then, a Masyarakat Muslim (Muslim Community) is built from the unity of Muslim families.
Of course, this is a simplified explanation of the concept. But it basically it gives you purpose to live, enter marriage and build a family because whatever you do in this world, do it with the hereafter in mind.
That being said, the realities may be totally different and I don’t really know where my motherhood is currently heading to until my girl present her another piece of public speaking this morning.
That suddenly brought me down my memory lane of being a public speaker. I LOVE LOVE LOVE public speaking, debate, MC-ing and the like. I love everything that has to do with stage performances. In fact, the school stage was my playground back in those days.
And then I remember that my dream for kids is to raise them up being confident with themselves,
being bold with their decisions,
being brave and decisive.
Despite my existing struggle, I dream big. Just like everyone else.
And I strongly believe that we all deserve to have dreams no matter how far we are from it.
Carry on tough moms. Even if you fall, get on your feet and start walking again.
Because Allah does not burden a soul, beyond what it can bear.