Counselling done, to meet psychiatrist next.

credit to my friend who drew this. 
I’m lucky and blessed to have a wonderful husband who supports me through thick and thin, through rain and shine, thunder and lightning. I must have done something good that Allah repays it with a calm, kind, warm and lovely spouse. Mr. Husband if you’re reading this, please know that I owe big one and thank you for always being there for me.  
I actually have been very negative about my life for the past three years, after giving birth to Nusaybah to be exact. At first, I thought it was going to be for only 6 months, then I gave myself another 6 more months, another 1 year pulak, then another year and knowing that it’s been 3 three years now, I can’t take it anymore, I have to look for help. 
Others might thought that I live a happy, lovely life with my kids at relatively young age but I’ve been keeping it to myself that I actually find it hard to cope with. Extremely hard that I cry almost everyday, a lot if not little. Tears usually rolled down my cheek while I’m driving and that’s the BEST moment to let it all out because nobody sees you. 
What do I cry about? 
My current life. 
My roles and responsibilities. 
My routine. 
My old life that I really wish to get back at. 
I just don’t seem to fit motherhood and worse, there’s no way out (I keep saying this myself and on this blog, I know)
I have also been receiving quite unwelcoming responses like “Tak baik cakap macam tu” “Fikir yang positif aja”. But that is what I’m struggling with. I can’t think positive about my life. I can’t accept this life. How lah to think positive? 
I still take care of my kids, feed and bathe them just like normal parents but I’m only doing it to get it done. I don’t feel the LOVE, the FULFILMENT like other mothers usually say on social media. I know something is not right, plus it’s been THREE years! 
“Of course, a normal mother would love her children”. 
Heck, I don’t. Not really. So I know I’m NOT normal. I don’t blame the person who said that though. I take that as a sign that I need help instead. 
Long story short, I scheduled and attended a counselling session through an NGO that I’ve been with and Alhamdulillah it was a pleasant and fruitful one. Although I don’t seem to be out of my dark circle, at least I have gotten to the root issue that is, “I’m finding it hard to accept motherhood and my two girls in my life”. 
Yes I am. After all, I’m not a normal mother kan because I don’t (really) love my kids. I guess one counselling session isn’t enough because I still cry in the dark after putting my girls to sleep. So I decided to see a psychiatrist. I want to be diagnosed so I could know what psychological illness am I having, thus hoping for a cure. Maybe I need help to change the way I think, is the treatment called Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)? Yeap, perhaps I need one of those. 
I am not ashamed to pen this down because I believe there are mothers out there who struggle with motherhood. There are those who think exactly like me but they can’t put it in words. So if there are any of you who face the same, go and search for help. Address your issues clearly so you can then find a cure for it. 
Your family needs you, you know. They don’t need the perfect you. They just want you to be there with them, love them, spend beautiful moments with them. 
Get well soon Zayana. Semoga cepat sembuh. hahaha. =D

3 thoughts on “Counselling done, to meet psychiatrist next.

  1. Farah Sulaiman says:

    Allah got your back dear and everyone will love you no matter what. I think love is really subjective sometimes. Although this might not amount to your experience but I thought I hated my youngest brother until he went MIA for a while when I was babysitting him. The fear is real when I lost him and realizing that I do love him though I hated him most of the times. Haha.

    Insyaallah. Love comes in many ways. Praying that you'll realize which way you love your family.

  2. Z says:

    I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds like a difficult place to be in. Take care, Zayana. All the best and may all the medical and spiritual assistance you seek+receive help you through this, ameen. Hugs.

  3. mizzshaina says:

    It must be difficult struggling with the guilt and the pressure of societal expectation and worry. I can only imagine how tough that is. It's really brave of you to talk about it and i pray that you'll be better soon and Allah will ease you in this test of yours. Ameen3. Hugs

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