When I am faced with choices, I desire for a path that leads to the best decision rightaway, for I fear that I may jeopardise anyone’s current state of stabled emotions and life.
Ever since I stepped into motherhood, I kinda lose my real self. I doubt my ability, my confidence drops tremendously, my anxiety aggravates, and I regret on a pretty recent decisions that I made. In fact, many a times I wonder if motherhood really fits me at this age of 23 years and very soon I’ll turn 24. Real soon.
Is motherhood this aweful?
Why didn’t anyone tell me? Or perhaps I’m too young to understand the advices and cues people have been saying. Perhaps, this is what I am still lacking, to critically analyse the reality that life holds, topped with empathy and maturity.
And today, I would figuratively tremble each time I have to make decisions, maybe because I would not want to face another regret again no more.
“What to have for Nusaybah’s weekly meal?” (And I don’t know when she’ll be ready for oats)
“Can you handle her?” (I feel like screaming a big NO!)
“She’s about to sleep, here you go”
(I wanna commit suicide.. Why me??)
These are among the hills and valleys of motherhood.
I really wish to wake up on one fine day and truly embrace motherhood with all my heart. I hope I could love growing old as a mother. I desire to have back the courage that I think has lost its way along this path so I could be firm on my decisions and ready to bear any possible consequences.
How I wish.
Then again, I’ll remind myself to give it a time. To believe that in every hardship, there is ease. To have faith in God for putting me in this situation. And most of all, to stop and stop comparing my life with them people of my age, who do not carry the title Mother what more a baby/toddler. Things are just different now.\
You gotta be real Yana!
Let’s hope that in a few days time, when you are officially 24, you’ll learn to take it easy, to give it a time, to see Motherhood from a new angle. Insha Allah before you realise, motherhood will be among (many other) the life events that will change you to a better person.
Let’s be a happy 24 year old mummy who learns that yes, Motherhood gets you to facing choices and making blur decisions. And sooner or later, you’ll make better ones because you have went through the rough patches that life has got to offer.
Happy becoming birthday to all 5th October babies.
5th october 1990, I was born in Klang, Selangor. I wonder what Mak felt when giving birth to me.