is like my answered prayer. Thanks to my naqibah who shared this site to me over a week ago because it has practically tuned down my disorders. Alhamdulillah, All praises be to Allah because I’m deeply glad I found the writing of this lady, Rachel.
I feel obliged to share these 10 useful points to make yourself a happy mother, by simply not practising them. However, I’ll give each point a touch of Islamic perspectives alright.
Some might be asking, why adapt others’ formula instead of creating your own “10 Things Happy Moms Don’t Do”? The answer is, I have yet to gain more experience in motherhood and raising children. Hey, I have only been a mother for 1.5 years, I don’t have much stories and experience that help me to come out with my own simplified version of the Do’s and Don’t’s of Motherhood. So, pardon me on the slight weakness in this post.
Alright, here goes. Moms, let us not be doing these things alright.
1. Base self worth on others’ opinion
We often try to live to others’ expectations and be emotionally affected when that fails to happen. Why does this occur? Perhaps we feel better if we could be among the “perfect mother” who makes sure the house is 99% clean like on the TV ads.
Or maybe the community or circle of friends that we are in often portrays the good side of their motherhood stories that their children only eat organic food and they perform well in school. Face it ladies, who likes to reveal their bad sides to others? No one right? Those who define motherhood as “clean dishes and clear laundry bin” too have their dark sides of handling the house and its pupils but they choose to keep it low.
Or maybe, we have always been diverting our focus on the way people see us when in fact, it should have been on the way Allah sees us. Allah looks up on mothers who spread love and joy to their children even while striving with the chores. It’s the effort (with sincerity) that matters to Allah. We live for Allah’s acceptance (redha) on our ibadah, don’t we? Hence, shift your orientation from people’s opinion to Allah’s opinion.
2. Expect the perfect day
Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) says that “In a believer’s life, today has to better than yesterday, and tomorrow has to better than today”. He didn’t mention about today needs to be perfect. It’s just a matter of making improved day, everyday. Insha Allah, let’s take it easy shall we. I know the sweeping and mopping can be wearing you out.
3. Gossip about other moms.
Gossiping is haram. Not permitted. if you commit, then you sin. That is all. Nuff said.
4. Base success on the state of them home.
Okay, my daughter is only 7 months and my son is already 13 (Son? what the heck? Hehe, my husband’s son from his first marriage). So, I haven’t gone through the phase of “tongkang pecah” where children get so creative with their toys. But from my little observation and motherly conversation, it’s normal to have your house that way. I believe everyone would understand that. Home is the place for children to comfortably develop especially through playing. This is when they learn to communicate and tolerate with the siblings and as they fight over the toys, that’s when we notice that their skills have yet to be developed. Give room for them to learn and grow up.
little solution: what about making their own playing space? Like one special room for drawing on the wall and playing pondok-pondok? Is that practical? At least you have the living and dining area neat.
5. Live in regret
Tell me about regret. Here’s a writing from my other blog post.
Stand up, move on, life isn’t just about “Iftar with the girls” and “Girls meet up sesh”.
As for the regrets and non-stop reminisce of singlehood, here’s an excerpt of a very soothing hadeeth
“…Whoever is in charge of any of these girls and treats them well, they will be a shield for him against the Fire” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5649; Muslim, 2629).
“…Sesiapa yang menguruskan (menjaga dan memelihara) mana-mana anak-anak perempuan ini lalu ia berbuat baik kepada mereka maka mereka akan menjadi pelindungnya daripada api neraka” (al-Bukhari, Muslim dan at-Tarmizi). *
Now who on earth doesn’t want shield from the hell fire?
Thank you Nusaybah, be my shield when the Day of Judgement comes, will you? ^^
What Is there to regret about, when you have your children to back you up in the akhirah? Nothing.
6. Worry about making wrong choices.
Should I breast feed or bottle feed?
Should I mixed bf (breast milk) and fm (formula milk)?
Should I get myself the Medela Freestyle breastpump?
Should I be sending my son to Integrated Islamic School or simply SMKA?
What to cook for dinner? Papa likes fish, son loves chicken
Is there an end to all these? No.
So if have made a wrong decision today, learn from it and choose the other option instead. if both don’t work, try out something else then. Life without mistakes is like Mi Goreng Mamak without tauhu.
7. Forget about themselves.
“..But seek, through that which Allah has given you, the home of the Hereafter; and [yet], do not forget your share of the world.? (Al-qasas : 77)
So The Almighty Allah said, have some room for yourself to reflect your day/week/month. Get a space to muhasabah , and redefine the purpose of the marriage that you and your husband built. If you need some time off, by all means make it clear to the spouse. Everyone deserves some shariah-compliant enjoyment in the dunya. Insha Allah, he’ll understand.
It means Jihad. Jihad isn’t only in wars. It also lies within oneself to avoid sins. Plus, Jihad also happens in labour room. That is if a mother dies from giving birth, she will the get gift of a syaheed. Isn’t that awesome?? A promised Paradise for the syaheedin. So long your intention behind the tiring day is for Allah, He’s gonna reward that and you’re gonna redeem them all in the hereafter. Insha Allah. have faith! So, my view of Martyr is that you shouldn’t avoid this point no.8 okay. Sorry Rachel, I’m going the other way round on this.
9. Race through everything.
My dad says “If you can manage time, you’ll manage the stuff”. What is motherhood with racing? I understand. Perhaps it’s time to slowly develop your child to help you with little things like “Can you help me to get the mails?”. Otherwise, it’s alright if you don’t get to finish your planned schedule by the end of the day. Not everyone can afford that, be real. We don’t have super power like The Incredibles. If you can’t get it done today, then bring it forward tomorrow. Chill.
Little solution: perhaps you could try prioritizing the “urgernt and important” “Important” “not urgent” and “not important” matters so you don’t have to run yourself out at the end of the day. There’s a name to this formula, eyh?
“Urgent and Important” may be like picking up son from school and “important” could be washing the dishes. While “not urgent” might be watering the flowers and “not important” is buying yourself a RM14 Mocha. Just an example.
10. Fight every battle
Life is full ups and downs from chicken pox, to scorched fried chicken. How is it possible to win in every battle when we know the old Malay saying “Menang kalah adat pertandingan, yang penting mencuba”. Don’t lose hope in yourself if you failed the first trial or even second and third because if you quit, that is when you lose. One fine day, you will find the way to win in that specific battle and you’ll be like, I GOT IT MAN!!